WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

WHO KEPT THE HUMANS IN?

April 30 2020 Aobha Wall 5th Year

We’re doomed! The end is nigh! Yeah, yeah, that’s old news. The world has been ending since 2012, it’s just taking its sweet time. People have been predicting the end of the world for eons, the ongoing pandemic is only adding fuel to the fire. In my personal opinion, people are just trying to shove away the responsibility of fixing the world by saying it is inevitable. Fools, cowards if you would. They’re focusing on the bad rather than the good, which is super-overrated.

In this time of global crisis and panic, I’m looking at the joys of life. Pets. Dogs, cats, lizards, fish, insects, llamas, you name it! Now that most owners are home all day, our pets are probably very confused. ‘What is my large friend doing here at this time of the day/night? Did they forget about going outside of the house?? WHY ARE WE GOING ON ANOTHER WALK?!? IT’S THE FIFTH TIME TODAY!!!’ Of course, most of them are happy to see us more often, and the feeling is mutual. I love getting to see my two darling boys, and my sweet baby girl all the time.

My darling boys (Sniper & Hawkeye)
My sweet baby girl (Bagel)

I. Love. Them. So. Much.

In these trying times, I have learnt much about my pets. The main fact that stands out is how much of an idiot Hawkeye is. Keep in mind that this is an educated description, with much evidence to support it. A classic case of a himbo. A handsome, good boi. What is going on inside his head? Absolutely nothing. This child has two braincells, one for love, the other for treats. You may be wondering how I came to this conclusion; well it was due to a number of separate observations and events. The main points are as follows:

Observation 1: He has been hanging around the ditch in our backyard quite often as of late. Specifically, this one burrow. He always has his head in it, lying in wait for rabbits like the dangerous predator he is. Or so I thought. Upon further investigation, I realised that the burrow he was guarding was not, in fact, a burrow. This fool, this buffoon, has been lying in wait at the entrance to a two-foot deep hole.

Observation 2: Unlike his brother, Sniper, Hawkeye has yet to catch a rabbit. This is despite spending a significant amount of time every day hunting rabbits in the garden. Many a time have we heard him barking as he chased down his potential snacks. This has been happening for a couple of years. A few days ago, my father reported seeing him walk right next to a stationary, old rabbit. This imbecile was right next to his goal, and did not notice it.

Experiment 1: My brothers decided to run an experiment a couple of days ago, for science. No other reason. They had heard that dogs know to be careful with eggs and won’t break them. They used Sniper as a control in this experiment. Sniper carefully sniffed and licked at the egg, the epitome of cautious hunter. Upon being presented with an egg, Hawkeye observed it for all of one second. Then he jumped up and bit it out of my brother’s hand.

Conclusion: My dog is a big dummy. Head empty, no thoughts here.

He clearly takes after my brothers.